How to deal

I have never been able to deal with death all that well. I have had a few friends and associates pass on and I have lost a few family members as well. My grandmother passed away January 16, 2004 and I don' t think I have ever really dealt with it in the right way. My father told about three months before she passed that she was sick and knowing her spirit I thought that she would get through it and be back to her old self. I quickly realized early on that she was in a downward spiral and she may not bounce back. When I realized that I kept myself away out of fear of not knowing what to say to her. I was so close to her that I really felt like if I went to see her in that condition that I would lose it and that would not be good for her. I think I spoke to her once on the phone and then got word that she was not in her right mind and that she may not know who I was if I called. A few weeks after that I was in my office and got the call from my dad that she passed away. I did not cry at that point, I just operated in auto pilot mode and went with the program. Even at the funeral I did not cry and it worried me. I remember speaking to my lady at the time and telling her that I thought something was wrong with me. She told me that I may be blocking out the pain. I think I still am. I have a picture of my grandmother on my refrigerator that I look at every morning and it makes me smile. I just wonder if something is going to trigger a breakdown one day. I do know that she watches over me. She makes appearances in my dreams every now and then as crazy as that sounds. Maybe it is her way of letting me know that she is still here for me.

I began thinking about this after watching Jennifer Hudson perform last night at the NAACP awards. This is the second time that I have watched her since the passing of her family and it makes me wonder how she is holding it together. I wonder what her process is for dealing with death. I know that she is a praying person but it has to be hard. Maybe the stage is her therapy. I have been listening to Kanye West's new album and his music seems to be his way of dealing with the death of his mother. (amongst other things) I have friends who deal with death by drinking or smoking. Is there a proper way to deal with it or is it to each is own? I really wonder. I know this a depressing thought process on the day before Valentines day but oh well.

I have never posted a song on here before but this is a tribute to my grandmother. She is on my mind heavy this morning.